Category Archives: Who Is Rosaliy Lynne

personal stuff – history and the like

To Be Or Not To Be … part II

We make may choices in life from birth to death. Each choice alters the path we follow, a path that no one else CAN follow for us. We choose which way to go and must live with all the consequences of those choices. As we look back on those choices, such as that time with the landlady’s babysitter, we wonder what might have been different had we chosen some other branch at that point.

I am in mind of a hitchhiker I once picked up on Commonwealth Avenue heading in towards Boston. We talked and I actually gave her my phone number. I also told her she could call me if she needed help. I wondered, at the time, if she ever would but soon forgot her as the days progressed. One morning, 1am? 3am? I can’t recall now what time it was. My ringing phone woke me. A girl at the other ended started talking. I looked at the clock, being irritated at being woke up at such an early hour, and told her it was way too early and to call me back later. As I looked back on the call much later in life, and even now, I realize it was likely my hitchhiker. She took me at my word, even though I had forgotten it, and called me. I never heard from her again. How did my response affect her life? How might mine have changed had I responded differently to her?

It is unlikely that I will ever know and yet I can’t help wonder.

Life went on. I graduated high school and then went to technical school and achieved two electronics degrees. All set for work I ended up driving cab in and around Boston. My degrees, I was told, rendered me over qualified for many positions to which I applied. Others were unwilling to extend the experience to do well in their companies. I finally got work in the industry and did rather well for many years.

During my high school tenure my main transport was either my feet or my bicycle. I put many miles on that bike riding to Revere Beach or all the way to Salem to visit the girlfriend I met at church. I even worked part time for the church, mostly weekends.

One Sunday, between services, I was at the Library. In particular I was going though a section of books in Spanish. I was approached by a young man who invited me up to his place. I got the impression he was gay (we called them homosexuals then) and I politely declined since I was to meet my girlfriend shortly. Another one of life’s junctions.

Something came up between my father and I and he took it upon himself to talk to my girlfriend’s parents. The offshoot was we were to break off the relationship. Instead, being you and stubborn, we hung on and eventually married and had a son. We soon discovered he had special needs and tried to get what help might be available. Our marriage was somewhat short and stormy. She kept running home to mother. We tried counseling with out church pastor but his advice was to seek divorce. This, and other incidents at the church, pretty much turned me off “official religion.” We tried family counseling and after one session, she told me she had all she needed to know to leave me.

Ends marriage. Enters another girlfriend and later marriage and 5 more children. I eventually took custody of my first son and we did the best we could. This marriage also had its issues. My wife had a boyfriend she was seeing while I was at work. I managed to kill that relationship off but after her first child, she wanted nothing to do with me in bed. Still, as I said, we had four more children before that marriage also ended in divorce.

After three more changes of residence, during which time she had 2 more boyfriends, and even I stepped out of the marriage and had a girlfriend, my father passed away. As his only local relative I became executor of his estate, distributed his monies between myself and my younger sister, we never did connect with the older sister, and bought a house.

Having bought a damaged computer terminal from work, and repaired it, I bought an acoustic coupler modem and discovered online services. Dial-up service was costly, $3.00 per connect hour at 300 baud (anyone remember those pre-internet days?). Got involved in online groups, made numerous friends, many we actually met in person, and had a lot of, mostly, good experiences. It was during this time that my second wife actually replaced me with a boyfriend she met online and later moved into our house. Things went downhill from there and we eventually divorced.

During the time I was still living in my house, pending the divorce, a good friend introduced me, by phone, what a co-worker at a hospital in Las Vegas. I took some vacation time to visit my friend and her husband, met her friend, who later became my third (and, I thought, last) wife. She had children and there was instant trouble at the start. Still, we hit it off well and spend most of our courtship via telephone. Eventually I went to Vegas, married my love and took the family (she had 3 children) back to Boston. My new wife signed on as a traveling nurse but when she got laid off, one of the hospital facilities had a fire and they had to let people go, and the divorce was finalized, we left Boston for Arizona, then up to Vegas, then to Oregon and back to Vegas. In Vegas I finally got back to work.

While this was the longest and best of my three marriages, it was doomed almost from the start and this too ended in divorce.

During all this time I had been struggling to hide my femme side. My second wife knew, and even enjoyed it at first, but eventually I had to drop it. My first wife never knew and my last one may have suspected but never really knew for certain.

When this marriage ended, I took that side out of her hidden boxes, gave her a name, the one I now wear proudly, and let her come to be.

I have glossed over much in this synopsis, and left out quite a bit as well. Suffice to say there were numerous decision points along the way and each choice ultimately brought me to where I am today. For the last eight years, except for work of course until I retired in 2012, I have lived openly as Rosaliy Lynne. I am finally at peace with myself, balanced in life and enjoying retirement.

In the end I have chosen “to be” and, more importantly, to be ME.

To Be Or Not To Be …

Well, just as Shakespeare said, that is the question.

Growing up I started out as a relatively happy child. In the early grades in school, I excelled and brought home A and B report cards to show it.

Unfortunately, my early years taught me some very difficult lessons, many of which were difficult to overcome. I managed though.

While still with what remained of my family, mother, sisters and I, I did the best thing I will ever do in my life. I saved the life of another and remained close to her till her natural death many years later. I was 5; Hernando’s Hideaway was a popular song on the ratio, the man down the hall played it a lot it seemed; ice was delivered daily for the icebox. Gas stoves had to be lit with a match; life was good. I came home one day to find I could not get in. Doors were locked and, being 5, I had no key. I found an unlocked window and got in only to find my youngest sister on the kitchen floor with the gas on. I quickly shut off the gas and roused my sister. She seemed angry and pushed me out, locking the doors again as well as the windows.

I finally managed to get some adults to help and, together, we saved my sister. As far as I know she never tried to kill herself again. She married and had children and was always the one closest to me despite the dissolution of our family. Eventually we all were made ‘wards of the state.’

During this time I confronted a troubling experience from my early childhood, before my family split up and I became a ‘state kid.’ When my father visited, there was also a counselor there to act as an intermediary. My father said I lied about the incident and that it never happened. The adults pulled together and agreed I had lied. Lesson learned: adults can’t be trusted. With this experience under my belt, I began a process of pulling into myself.

During this same period in my life, I also learned that my peers could also not be trusted and I continued to further isolate myself to some degree. I did try to fit in with some success but the lesson had been learned.

Another home; another school; fifth grade. I continued to do well enough in school but not the original A’s and B’s. Now there were C’s as well. The work might have been harder or I just did not try as hard. I don’t know. I raised my hand often to answer the teacher’s questions and was more often correct. The other boys, though, would taunt me with ‘you think you know everything.’ Well of course I did NOT know everything but the message was, you make us look stupid. I caved in to be accepted and found two things. I stopped doing as well and I remained unaccepted by the other boys. This was, perhaps, my greatest mistake. I compromised myself and stopped trying to be the best I could. From this, much else followed.

Still, at home anyway, I was accepted in the family unit and played well with the girls and their dolls. During this time, color tv was just experimental; coal was used for heating and we used the coal ash on icy sidewalks. If you got coal in your stocking at Christmas time, you had been bad. Oil heat was being promoted as a clean alternative to coal and the now famous sleeping baby was introduced to show how good and safe gas heat was.

There was a vacant lot to the left of the house across the street. Some few trees, lots of dirt and grass; a near perfect playground for active children. One day I found myself in the house across the street. Later I found myself walking away from this same house, but not immediately home. I do not consciously remember many details about my going in or coming out, but I do clearly remember being in a dark closet because the man wanted to show me his gun. I remember feeling something that was both warm and hard. It was years later before I understood and accepted what it was. Still, my mind locked it away to protect me and I never said a thing about it. I could not have told an adult as I had already learned they could not be trusted and this experience was further proof of that fact. My peers would have simply teased me and I could not have that. So I conveniently ‘forgot’ the incident, further withdrawing and becoming more solitary.

Another time, home, family. I was accepted at home but, because i was a loner by now, both the boys and girls at school teased and rejected me. I got into many fights, as I recall, and remained more withdrawn. Looking back at that time, I see that a lot of those troubles were of my own making. My humor was misdirected and my open distrust obvious. Since I would not, or perhaps could not, defend myself, I was a perfect victim. I had a major crush on one girl though, but that went nowhere in the long run.

I spent many summers at camp, paid for by the state of course, and it was during my stay at one camp during this period that I had two more important life experiences. During some free time I was in the woods not far from the cabins with an older boy. I think he wanted me to play with him but I wasn’t sure what to do. I did watch though as he masturbated and finally produce something solid and white. It was years later, again, when I realized he was probably sterile.

Yet another city, home and family. This time my placement was with a Catholic family in Revere. I was most definitely an outsider here. Life with this family was definitely less than fun more often than not. I got into lots of trouble, some of which was not my fault but for which I was blamed by Aunt Mary’s kids. She wanted us ‘state kids’ to call her Aunt Mary because we were not, and would not likely be, family. I ran away from here because of the final problem with her youngest when I would not let him ride my bike. I was punished for this and left heading for New York. I was picked up and returned and that summer, after camp I was placed with yet another family in Lynn, Ma.

It was during one of my many camp seasons that I learned to shoot a 22 rifle and use the bow and arrow. I never achieved better than pro-marksman with the rifle and only ever hit the dead center bulls eye once with the bow. But I did run afoul of several older bully type boys and late at night I ran away from camp to my father who was living in a room in Brookline, MA. Because I went to him, the court gave him custody and I was no longer a ‘state kid.’

I started high school while living with my father and during my freshman year, one day I decided I had to wear girls clothes. No idea why but I knew I had to do this so I set out to get some clothes to wear. More than a few neighborhood close lines were short things in the mornings. Anything that fit I kept and the rest was thrown away. Sometimes I would dress up, put a kerchief on my head to disguise my obviously boy hair, and went walking. I stayed away from people for the most part because I did not want to be caught but at the same time, I loved being out as a girl. I kept my clothes hidden in our part of the basement, mostly in suitcases we weren’t using.

I did get caught twice, actually. Once by the police as I was walking through a park late at night while my father was visiting family in PA. After I managed to convince the officer that I was not out to meet someone for sexual purposes, he let me go home one very scared girl.

The second time was when my father went for another trip to PA and later came back instead of continuing on. When I used the bathroom and found his suitcase outside the door I checked out back. His car wasn’t there so I assumed he had forgotten it. When he finally came back again and found his suitcase not in the hall, he woke me up and i let him in to find me dressed in girl pajamas. Naturally I had to get rid of the clothes. But I only ended up going and getting more. Eventually I got a job and with my income was able to take a room down the hall from my father and began to live on my own for the most part. I had a girlfriend in high school and we enjoyed movies, ice skating, going to one of several parks near her home. It was a good time. I also had a sort of affair with a boy from school. We went so far as to have oral sex to a point though nothing ever came of it – either way. For unknown reasons we stopped getting together for anything. While I was working I met another girl, on the job. Very pretty Jewish girl whom I dated. Mostly we went bowling or spent time at my room. I had a special code for ringing her doorbell she she would know I was calling on her. She was the first girl I had oral sex with and I can still taste and feel how good she felt on my tongue. We almost got into intercourse but agreed not to go there.

My first actual intercourse was with another Jewish girl whose family lived in the apartment on the top floor of our building. She was also a lovely girl as I recall. She had been hired to watch the landlord’s wife while he worked at his fish market. She was going senile and needed someone there. One day the girl invited me in and took me to the bedroom. We stripped and she helped me into her and things were going well enough except she was afraid she might get pregnant. Before anything could happen, the landlady came by the room but whether or not she understood what we were doing was questionable. We stopped and got dressed and I left. I admit I liked being in her body. It felt very good.

to be continued ….

What’s a t-girl to do?

We are who we are. We become what we must.

I don’t remember where I borrowed that statement but it is true all the same. So in light of that statement, the Reader’s Digest version of how I came to be Rosaliy.

In my freshman high school year, one day I decided I needed to dress as a girl. I tried for a long time to figure out why but the only thing I resolved was that it felt right to be a girl.

As I grew and discovered the online community, back in the $6 / connect hour dial up days, I was on a service where a group admin challenged me to take a girl name as if that would prove something. I accepted the challenge and used a girl name, along with others, but eventually left that service.

On another service some few years later, a friend thought I could pull off a girl role. At the time, a girlfriend and I were involved in a role-play group based on Anne McCaffrey’s Dragon Riders. I actually had two characters, a male – Bronze Dragon Rider, and a female who was Headwoman of the lower caverns. Both were strong and secure and both taught me things about myself.

During those early online years, I assumed my female character as an online persona. While I loved being her, she was still, for all intents and purposes, just a character.

It wasn’t until 2005 that I took my present name and became a real girl in every day life. Somewhere along the line I had stopped identifying as male although I stayed male for work and most legal purposes. Otherwise I was Rosaliy. Now that I am retired, I live full time as Rosaliy and even have her photo on my drivers license. As Rosaliy I am a far better girl then I ever was a boy and I am happier than ever. As Rosaliy I found my balance and consider myself not cd (Cross Dresser) but rather, tg (trans gender).

I have been blessed in many respects by the acceptance of others, young and old alike. Confident in my presentation, I smile a lot and have become more outgoing that I ever was before.

So to answer the question with which I started this post: What’s a t-girl to do?, I go on. I live life, make friends and enjoy it all.

Have a great day and be proud of yourself, whoever you are.

A Beginning!

Starting something new is often difficult. Where do you start? While there are many places I could start, I will start 2005. It was then that several important changes happened to upset life as I knew it and finally get me started to where I am now.

My name is Rosaliy, a name I chose for myself. Along with that, I started a small web site on my isp to accomplish a few things. One was to help me better understand myself, and another was to help others understand me as well. I eventually outgrew my original site but by then I was able to get a new site address with plenty of room to grow. If you want to know my history, it is available on my site under the About Me heading. Since it is there already, I won’t bore readers by presenting it here in my blog.

Which brings me to this blog.

Why now? A trusted and respected relative suggested that I should have a blog because I have interests and opinions that may be of interest to others. Someone might learn something from me. Goddess knows I have learned from many others. I am still learning.

Why at all? It is simple, really. If I share myself, someone may learn something they didn’t know. I, in turn, will likely learn something I didn’t know. The discussions and comments that may follow could very well open other minds to things to which they might have remained closed.

This is a beginning, of sorts. One wonders where it will lead.

post dmv 04112013-2