Category Archives: Food For Though or things that make ya say ‘hhmmmm’

Silly, serious, whatever

NEWS FLASH !!! Please read and understand.

A while back I wrote about what I expect for my blog and, generally, what I will and will NOT post.

Here is the Reader’s Digest Condensed Version of that post. Why? cause no one read, or understood, it before.

Language: English – I don’t read or speaking any other language. Consequently if I can’t read it, i CAN NOT post it.

Advertising: I get many posts advertising everything from various types of porn, including child porn, to products and services.
posting? NO, HELL NO, AND not at all.

Content: barely literate, illiterate, entirely irrelevant. NO.

FYI: Of the last 6,000 comments posted, I have actually authorized three of them. Everything else, failing to meet the above criteria has been trashed and will continue to be trashed.

Thank you to those who actually read this, understand it, and conform to the rules of this blog.

To Be Or Not To Be … part II

We make may choices in life from birth to death. Each choice alters the path we follow, a path that no one else CAN follow for us. We choose which way to go and must live with all the consequences of those choices. As we look back on those choices, such as that time with the landlady’s babysitter, we wonder what might have been different had we chosen some other branch at that point.

I am in mind of a hitchhiker I once picked up on Commonwealth Avenue heading in towards Boston. We talked and I actually gave her my phone number. I also told her she could call me if she needed help. I wondered, at the time, if she ever would but soon forgot her as the days progressed. One morning, 1am? 3am? I can’t recall now what time it was. My ringing phone woke me. A girl at the other ended started talking. I looked at the clock, being irritated at being woke up at such an early hour, and told her it was way too early and to call me back later. As I looked back on the call much later in life, and even now, I realize it was likely my hitchhiker. She took me at my word, even though I had forgotten it, and called me. I never heard from her again. How did my response affect her life? How might mine have changed had I responded differently to her?

It is unlikely that I will ever know and yet I can’t help wonder.

Life went on. I graduated high school and then went to technical school and achieved two electronics degrees. All set for work I ended up driving cab in and around Boston. My degrees, I was told, rendered me over qualified for many positions to which I applied. Others were unwilling to extend the experience to do well in their companies. I finally got work in the industry and did rather well for many years.

During my high school tenure my main transport was either my feet or my bicycle. I put many miles on that bike riding to Revere Beach or all the way to Salem to visit the girlfriend I met at church. I even worked part time for the church, mostly weekends.

One Sunday, between services, I was at the Library. In particular I was going though a section of books in Spanish. I was approached by a young man who invited me up to his place. I got the impression he was gay (we called them homosexuals then) and I politely declined since I was to meet my girlfriend shortly. Another one of life’s junctions.

Something came up between my father and I and he took it upon himself to talk to my girlfriend’s parents. The offshoot was we were to break off the relationship. Instead, being you and stubborn, we hung on and eventually married and had a son. We soon discovered he had special needs and tried to get what help might be available. Our marriage was somewhat short and stormy. She kept running home to mother. We tried counseling with out church pastor but his advice was to seek divorce. This, and other incidents at the church, pretty much turned me off “official religion.” We tried family counseling and after one session, she told me she had all she needed to know to leave me.

Ends marriage. Enters another girlfriend and later marriage and 5 more children. I eventually took custody of my first son and we did the best we could. This marriage also had its issues. My wife had a boyfriend she was seeing while I was at work. I managed to kill that relationship off but after her first child, she wanted nothing to do with me in bed. Still, as I said, we had four more children before that marriage also ended in divorce.

After three more changes of residence, during which time she had 2 more boyfriends, and even I stepped out of the marriage and had a girlfriend, my father passed away. As his only local relative I became executor of his estate, distributed his monies between myself and my younger sister, we never did connect with the older sister, and bought a house.

Having bought a damaged computer terminal from work, and repaired it, I bought an acoustic coupler modem and discovered online services. Dial-up service was costly, $3.00 per connect hour at 300 baud (anyone remember those pre-internet days?). Got involved in online groups, made numerous friends, many we actually met in person, and had a lot of, mostly, good experiences. It was during this time that my second wife actually replaced me with a boyfriend she met online and later moved into our house. Things went downhill from there and we eventually divorced.

During the time I was still living in my house, pending the divorce, a good friend introduced me, by phone, what a co-worker at a hospital in Las Vegas. I took some vacation time to visit my friend and her husband, met her friend, who later became my third (and, I thought, last) wife. She had children and there was instant trouble at the start. Still, we hit it off well and spend most of our courtship via telephone. Eventually I went to Vegas, married my love and took the family (she had 3 children) back to Boston. My new wife signed on as a traveling nurse but when she got laid off, one of the hospital facilities had a fire and they had to let people go, and the divorce was finalized, we left Boston for Arizona, then up to Vegas, then to Oregon and back to Vegas. In Vegas I finally got back to work.

While this was the longest and best of my three marriages, it was doomed almost from the start and this too ended in divorce.

During all this time I had been struggling to hide my femme side. My second wife knew, and even enjoyed it at first, but eventually I had to drop it. My first wife never knew and my last one may have suspected but never really knew for certain.

When this marriage ended, I took that side out of her hidden boxes, gave her a name, the one I now wear proudly, and let her come to be.

I have glossed over much in this synopsis, and left out quite a bit as well. Suffice to say there were numerous decision points along the way and each choice ultimately brought me to where I am today. For the last eight years, except for work of course until I retired in 2012, I have lived openly as Rosaliy Lynne. I am finally at peace with myself, balanced in life and enjoying retirement.

In the end I have chosen “to be” and, more importantly, to be ME.

To Be Or Not To Be …

Well, just as Shakespeare said, that is the question.

Growing up I started out as a relatively happy child. In the early grades in school, I excelled and brought home A and B report cards to show it.

Unfortunately, my early years taught me some very difficult lessons, many of which were difficult to overcome. I managed though.

While still with what remained of my family, mother, sisters and I, I did the best thing I will ever do in my life. I saved the life of another and remained close to her till her natural death many years later. I was 5; Hernando’s Hideaway was a popular song on the ratio, the man down the hall played it a lot it seemed; ice was delivered daily for the icebox. Gas stoves had to be lit with a match; life was good. I came home one day to find I could not get in. Doors were locked and, being 5, I had no key. I found an unlocked window and got in only to find my youngest sister on the kitchen floor with the gas on. I quickly shut off the gas and roused my sister. She seemed angry and pushed me out, locking the doors again as well as the windows.

I finally managed to get some adults to help and, together, we saved my sister. As far as I know she never tried to kill herself again. She married and had children and was always the one closest to me despite the dissolution of our family. Eventually we all were made ‘wards of the state.’

During this time I confronted a troubling experience from my early childhood, before my family split up and I became a ‘state kid.’ When my father visited, there was also a counselor there to act as an intermediary. My father said I lied about the incident and that it never happened. The adults pulled together and agreed I had lied. Lesson learned: adults can’t be trusted. With this experience under my belt, I began a process of pulling into myself.

During this same period in my life, I also learned that my peers could also not be trusted and I continued to further isolate myself to some degree. I did try to fit in with some success but the lesson had been learned.

Another home; another school; fifth grade. I continued to do well enough in school but not the original A’s and B’s. Now there were C’s as well. The work might have been harder or I just did not try as hard. I don’t know. I raised my hand often to answer the teacher’s questions and was more often correct. The other boys, though, would taunt me with ‘you think you know everything.’ Well of course I did NOT know everything but the message was, you make us look stupid. I caved in to be accepted and found two things. I stopped doing as well and I remained unaccepted by the other boys. This was, perhaps, my greatest mistake. I compromised myself and stopped trying to be the best I could. From this, much else followed.

Still, at home anyway, I was accepted in the family unit and played well with the girls and their dolls. During this time, color tv was just experimental; coal was used for heating and we used the coal ash on icy sidewalks. If you got coal in your stocking at Christmas time, you had been bad. Oil heat was being promoted as a clean alternative to coal and the now famous sleeping baby was introduced to show how good and safe gas heat was.

There was a vacant lot to the left of the house across the street. Some few trees, lots of dirt and grass; a near perfect playground for active children. One day I found myself in the house across the street. Later I found myself walking away from this same house, but not immediately home. I do not consciously remember many details about my going in or coming out, but I do clearly remember being in a dark closet because the man wanted to show me his gun. I remember feeling something that was both warm and hard. It was years later before I understood and accepted what it was. Still, my mind locked it away to protect me and I never said a thing about it. I could not have told an adult as I had already learned they could not be trusted and this experience was further proof of that fact. My peers would have simply teased me and I could not have that. So I conveniently ‘forgot’ the incident, further withdrawing and becoming more solitary.

Another time, home, family. I was accepted at home but, because i was a loner by now, both the boys and girls at school teased and rejected me. I got into many fights, as I recall, and remained more withdrawn. Looking back at that time, I see that a lot of those troubles were of my own making. My humor was misdirected and my open distrust obvious. Since I would not, or perhaps could not, defend myself, I was a perfect victim. I had a major crush on one girl though, but that went nowhere in the long run.

I spent many summers at camp, paid for by the state of course, and it was during my stay at one camp during this period that I had two more important life experiences. During some free time I was in the woods not far from the cabins with an older boy. I think he wanted me to play with him but I wasn’t sure what to do. I did watch though as he masturbated and finally produce something solid and white. It was years later, again, when I realized he was probably sterile.

Yet another city, home and family. This time my placement was with a Catholic family in Revere. I was most definitely an outsider here. Life with this family was definitely less than fun more often than not. I got into lots of trouble, some of which was not my fault but for which I was blamed by Aunt Mary’s kids. She wanted us ‘state kids’ to call her Aunt Mary because we were not, and would not likely be, family. I ran away from here because of the final problem with her youngest when I would not let him ride my bike. I was punished for this and left heading for New York. I was picked up and returned and that summer, after camp I was placed with yet another family in Lynn, Ma.

It was during one of my many camp seasons that I learned to shoot a 22 rifle and use the bow and arrow. I never achieved better than pro-marksman with the rifle and only ever hit the dead center bulls eye once with the bow. But I did run afoul of several older bully type boys and late at night I ran away from camp to my father who was living in a room in Brookline, MA. Because I went to him, the court gave him custody and I was no longer a ‘state kid.’

I started high school while living with my father and during my freshman year, one day I decided I had to wear girls clothes. No idea why but I knew I had to do this so I set out to get some clothes to wear. More than a few neighborhood close lines were short things in the mornings. Anything that fit I kept and the rest was thrown away. Sometimes I would dress up, put a kerchief on my head to disguise my obviously boy hair, and went walking. I stayed away from people for the most part because I did not want to be caught but at the same time, I loved being out as a girl. I kept my clothes hidden in our part of the basement, mostly in suitcases we weren’t using.

I did get caught twice, actually. Once by the police as I was walking through a park late at night while my father was visiting family in PA. After I managed to convince the officer that I was not out to meet someone for sexual purposes, he let me go home one very scared girl.

The second time was when my father went for another trip to PA and later came back instead of continuing on. When I used the bathroom and found his suitcase outside the door I checked out back. His car wasn’t there so I assumed he had forgotten it. When he finally came back again and found his suitcase not in the hall, he woke me up and i let him in to find me dressed in girl pajamas. Naturally I had to get rid of the clothes. But I only ended up going and getting more. Eventually I got a job and with my income was able to take a room down the hall from my father and began to live on my own for the most part. I had a girlfriend in high school and we enjoyed movies, ice skating, going to one of several parks near her home. It was a good time. I also had a sort of affair with a boy from school. We went so far as to have oral sex to a point though nothing ever came of it – either way. For unknown reasons we stopped getting together for anything. While I was working I met another girl, on the job. Very pretty Jewish girl whom I dated. Mostly we went bowling or spent time at my room. I had a special code for ringing her doorbell she she would know I was calling on her. She was the first girl I had oral sex with and I can still taste and feel how good she felt on my tongue. We almost got into intercourse but agreed not to go there.

My first actual intercourse was with another Jewish girl whose family lived in the apartment on the top floor of our building. She was also a lovely girl as I recall. She had been hired to watch the landlord’s wife while he worked at his fish market. She was going senile and needed someone there. One day the girl invited me in and took me to the bedroom. We stripped and she helped me into her and things were going well enough except she was afraid she might get pregnant. Before anything could happen, the landlady came by the room but whether or not she understood what we were doing was questionable. We stopped and got dressed and I left. I admit I liked being in her body. It felt very good.

to be continued ….


I received the following in an email today (11-4-13). There is absolutely NOTHING I can add to this presentation So I have placed it here for others to read and view the video.

As a firm believer in the right to keep and bear arms for defense of self, family, community and country, I highly recommend that you view the video and give it serious consideration.


Worth your time . Very interesting and informative. Specially to you anti gun folks.

This is absolutely an awesome short speech that needs to be heard all around
the country…no matter which side of gun control you may be on.


“Guns are a lot like parachutes ~ If you need one and don’t have one, you’ll probably never need
one again”
The best presentation on gun control yet. Even if you don’t like guns, watch
this !
Should be required viewing by both sides of the issue of gun control/legislation
Here is a man who knows the constitution. Watch the faces on some Senators in the


Why Gun Control

I am amazed …

Perhaps I should not be but I am. I am fortunate in that I have been accepted as I am by young and old alike and by men and women who truly have open minds and care more about WHO I am than WHAT I am.

I am also saddened by the very thing that amazes me. I have been to ‘day of remembrance’ services and even read about what befell one of my sisters who I never knew and never will get to know. And for what? Just because she had to be herself and someone else did not approve.

No one has been untouched by prejudice and we all lose by that touch. Lives, loved ones, friends, total strangers whose lives were taken from them. Some do these to us, supposedly, in the name of religion. They tell us we are abhorrent to God. And they all seem to be talking about a different God. They use religion and laws to put others “in their place.”

It seems to me though, that all the religion and law excuses put aside, the real issue is insecurity. They are afraid of those who are different for whatever reason. They like that pretty girl they see until they find out she used to be a he, or worse, under their clothes still is. They are angry. Why? I can only guess why. I believe some [men] feel their manhood is threatened because they were attracted to that pretty girl. In truth it has nothing to do with them or their manhood. It has everything to do with that pretty girl.

The same thing happens when the see gay men or women together. It upsets their sense of self, I feel, that some women do not want men in their lives that way. As for the gay men, I wonder if they don’t secretly feel attracted to other men and again their security is threatened.

Whatever the reasons for it, prejudice and hate are still strong in the modern world. These feelings are just as wrong and destructive as they were back when Cain killed his brother Abel because Abel found favor with God and Cain did not.

For the sake of argument, though, lets consider only that Abel was strong and secure in himself and Cain was jealous of this. Bemoaning his own lack of success, he killed his brother for no better reason than that. And so it continues even as it began.

Coming of age

Yesterday was my 64th birthday, hence the title of this blog entry.
Last night, my sister and I, and a couple of girlfriends went to see a play, Charlotte’s Web. After the play, our friends took us to dinner to celebrate my ‘coming of age.’

But let me step back into the past, about a week.

After some months of life keeping us apart, the four of us, my sister, myself and our 2 girlfriends, went to The Crown n Anchor Pub for dinner. When we arrived, we were somewhat shocked at how busy the place was. Our friends circled the parking lot several times before a place opened up for them.

Inside, there were people walking around on beautiful costumes. We asked and were informed that it was the birthday of William Shakespeare. We were seated and placed our orders and while we waited for dinner to be served, we hailed one of the costumed people what was going on. Several people had numbers pinned on their costumes and there were cards listing a number of ‘characters’ from Shakespearean plays as well as a non-Shakespearean character. The goal was to figure out who these actors were and to guess the fraud.

Seeing the cards being passed to us, another actor boldly stepped up to our table and plopped down more cards and some pencils. She had wings and a feather in her hair. Clearly her character was PUCK. As my meal was served, she mischievously tried to distract my attention elsewhere in an attempt to filch a french fry. Instead I took her hand and kissed it and held it while we all talked and got to know her better. Later on I did slip her a french fry as she kept coming back to our table. It was a very fun time for us all. She also told us she was part of a ‘play group’ and they were doing Charlotte’s Web the following week on the 28th, which just happened to be my birthday. By the way, her name is Kimm and that evening, she became our new friend.

Later, after we got home, sis and I started looking up ticket prices for events in which we were interested. Sis got tickets to Disney on Ice for Saturday and I got tickets to Charlotte’s Web for Sunday.

Charlotte’s web was well performed and among the cast was one actor in a power wheel chair. Among the cast were adults and children and our new friend Kimm, who played a goose.

If you have ever read the story or seen the animated cartoon version, you will know that Charlotte’s Web is about life, love and the undying friendship of self-sacrifice for a friend. The main charters, and center of the story, are Wilbur, a pig, and her friend Charlotte, a spider. Two more unlikely friends you would ever find anywhere. To save Wilbur from become bacon, Charlotte spun words in her web to point out how special Wilbur was. Exhausted from this sacrifice, and laying her eggs, Charlotte passed away as any spider will. Wilbur, having promised to save Charlott’s eggs, did just that and when they hatched in the spring, they all floated away, all but one who stayed to become Wilbur’s next new friend.

Food for thought: isn’t it interesting that in real life and stories, our children and animals and other creatures can find ways to overcome differences and become friends and we as adults, and our national/world leaders, all too often can’t?

btw: Kimm is our friend. No other distinction is necessary.

Separation of Church and State – Conditional ???

Ok. Atheists used our laws to remove the Pledge of Allegiance, because it contains the word God, and any, even silent reflection, as a form of prayer that, omg, someone who believes differently from someone else, might be offended by. AND YET, any politician in a position to draft and/or sign a bill into law about something that offends their “particular form of religious belief” can put that “religious belief” as the core of their legislation.

What is wrong with this picture?

What makes a person who they are, male or female?

Not an easy question but now that I have asked it, I am going to have to express some opinion on the matter. If I get some or all of it wrong, don’t chastise me, educate me. After all, I am still learning to be one.

Your body is only PART of who you are, be you male or female. Your genes dictate the shell you are born into and that usually defines who you are SUPPOSED to be. Inside, however, there are hormones and while these are usually ‘in sync’ with your body, often times they are not. Variations in the hormones produced affect the way you think and feel about yourself; how you identify yourself. Should your balance me more female than male, you might be a cross dresser, trans-vestite (usually a fetish type thing) or other trans-gender person.

Sometime the hormones balance so far OFF from your birth gender that you are certain you were born into the wrong body. In this case, you might be a boy trapped in a girl body or vice versa. You are likely to be a trans-sexual and the only real fix for this, along with everything that goes into determining if this is they way you must go, is something called SRS, sexual re-assignment surgery. This, I am told, is not an easy road and fraught with all kinds of personal and professional challenges. Professional help in the form of counseling is essential to achieve a proper post surgical balance. I know several persons who have gone this way and they are happier now that they are the correct person.

One of my dearest friends I have never met in person. We met online when I was still exploring the girl in me and she was just making the painful adjustment from married man to single woman. During those years, we were ‘there’ for each other online, helping each other over those necessary trials. These shared experiences brought up close together and I cherish our history.

As for me, my body is fine but my being is a happy well adjusted woman now that I have fully accepted that part of me. I failed three times as a husband. In retrospect I believe it was, at least in part, due to me having to hide my femme self from everyone around me. Afraid to lose all that I felt was important to me, I lost it anyway. I realized at last that I was incomplete because I could not be ME entirely. Now I am and I haven’t been happier.

I did not touch on my physical body in this brief letter. As important as the various aspects are, they are, mostly window dressing. They help you identify who you you see as being male or female. That breasts are vital to a woman, both emotionally and psychologically, cannot be overlooked. Men, generally haven’t a clue. And many men can’t even see past a woman’s breasts to see HER as a person. Sad.

Who you are is partly defined by the body you were born into, your social conditioning (family and so on), education, and your internal chemistry and adjustments.

We are, who we are. We become what we must.

It’s kinda Funny, really.

How people react to you online. Even when you have a profile that can be read, so few actually read it.

Guys are the funniest. In my early years online, I must have met every guy with every line and behavior women so hate. Sometimes made me ashamed I was born male. They see a girl name and almost immediately they hit on you. They declare their love for you, c’mon now, you only just met, get real. They ask what you are wearing then proceed to verbally strip you of what they think you may be wearing. Now the fun starts. I ask if they read my profile and invariably they say no. “Well you should read it.”

Maybe after the 4th or 5th time you tell them to read your profile, they suddenly drop offline like they had caught the plague.

Girls are almost as bad. I was chatting with some online friends recently while playing monopoly together and this one girl, who lives close enough to visit, pulled me into a private chat and said she wanted to make love to me. I said, ‘That might be nice too, but you should read my profile first.’

After that she would not talk to me anymore.

On the other hand, most of the people I know, both on and off line, accept me as the woman I am without judgements of any kind. Some, especially older folks, have told me how brave they think I am. I am just me and proud of it.

Perhaps the funniest thing though, is the first question nearly everyone asks when they find out about Rosaliy. They seem to be largely uninformed because they invariably ask, “Are you gay?”

The correct answer to that question is, “No.” If it is true, that is. Most people who cross dress are not gay although some may be. Most people who are gay do not cross dress, although some do. Of those who do, most are entertainers, female impersonators and ‘Drag Queens’.

And funnier still is many of them look more female than genetic women do, so much so you can’t necessarily tell by looks alone.